Month: July 2019

When in doubt…do nothing!!

A friend of mine is taking early retirement from her busy job as a GP and, when I spoke to her recently, she was debating what to do with her new found freedom. She asked for my advice which was….do nothing!! This may have been something to do with the fact that I’d just read a really interesting article called ‘The Fertile Void’. This seemingly contradictory term, used in psychotherapy, really resonated with me as I’m sure it will be you.

Most of us seldom give much thought to who we are and what our life is all about. We manage to deflect any self-doubt, fears, and uncertainty by rushing about in ‘doing’ mode. We fill our lives with busyness, wearing it like a badge of honour.

For a time, this works . . . until the life we’ve mapped out fails to go according to plan or, like my friend, takes a new turn. We sense that something needs to change, but we’re not sure what. We may feel stuck not knowing which way to turn. In some cases, our life may go completely off the rails. We may unexpectedly find ourselves, for example, facing a major illness or the death of someone close to us. We may lose our job or our ‘life’ partner may leave us. Less dramatic but equally shattering, is the sinking realization that if this is all there is to our life, then we don’t want it. At least not in its present incarnation.

Whatever the circumstances that turn our world upside down, what eventually emerges is that, no matter how hard we try to hold on to what was, the life we’ve known will probably never be the same again. The next question begging to be answered is, “Now what?”

And the answer lies in not doing anything, at least in the short term.

For a culture on the go all the time, such a suggestion  may seem not only impractical, but also unachievable. Today, we measure our worth by what we do and how busy we are. Perhaps that’s why it’s so difficult to disengage ourselves from all manner of electronic gadgetry when we go on holiday. Losing touch with our workplace means losing touch with who we think we are.

Taking time out from our busy lives, then, particularly when forced upon us by circumstances, can be a truly unnerving experience. When we feel the familiar foundations giving way beneath us, this is usually a signal that some aspect of our life is changing or coming to an end. Fearful because the path ahead may not be clear, we feel out of control. Where we used to find stability in our ‘doing’, now we’re lost in a void that has opened up before us. And when we can tolerate the uncertainty no longer, our inclination is to act immediately, without plan or thought, filling ourselves up with people and things, and shaping our life into what we think it ought to be.

On the other hand, if we can resist the urge to rush into figuring out what’s next and simply sit with the confusion of not knowing, we may find ourselves in a void that is actually fertile with new possibility. Rather than being a contradiction, the fertile void is in fact a source of pure potential.

Think for a moment what it’s like to be stuck in the car during a traffic jam or on a train stopped between stations. In both instances, you most likely don’t know why you’re stopped or when you can expect to start moving again. All you know is that you are where you are – in the car or on the train – and there’s very little that you can do except wait. Being in the fertile void can feel like this. When we’re stuck or undergoing a major life transition, we’re plunged into this in-between place of not knowing what’s next; the space between two different destinations.

Rather than control and shape what you hope will happen next by imposing tried and true habits and beliefs, try letting go of ‘doing’ and enter into a place of just ‘being.’ This means paying attention to what you are experiencing right now in all its discomfort – the anger, the grief, the confusion, the overall sense of not having any control about what is happening. There is much to be gained by trusting that the ‘now what?’ will emerge from the creative energy of the fertile void.

When we consciously enter into these chaotic feelings from a perspective of not knowing what’s next, we allow the possibility for something new and fresh to emerge. In other words, in letting go of preconceived notions and expectations about how things should be, we open up to what might be. When we empty ourselves of what we think we know, we make space for the emergence of other possibilities and choices. Although experiencing our confusion to the utmost can be painful, something inevitably shifts in the process. The response to ‘now what?’ becomes clearer.

This is not to say the clarity we seek will come quickly. The fertile void is essentially a time of waiting, not acting. Of stepping outside our busy “doing” to rest in the stillness and quietude of our being. It is a time to become exquisitely aware of everything calling for our attention. It is a time to re-examine aspects of our life and let go those that no longer feel right. Ultimately, the fertile void is an opportunity to reconnect with the essence of who we are and how we want to be in the world.

 

Dirty little secrets….and why they are important!

Every Friday, I set off to teach my regular class, weighed down with my usual yogic paraphernalia of speaker, iPhone, lesson plan…..and a cake tin! For Friday is ‘Feel Good Friday’ when the class is treated to a home made slice of something yummy after their equally yummy practice. So, what’s the secret? I keep one back, ready for my return, when I sit down, kick back and indulge in a coffee and cake. If it’s sunny, I take my treat into the garden and sit, basking, lizard like in the sun and savour every moment. Do I feel guilty of taking time away from my mat, computer, family, cat?! Not now but, it’s taken a while not to allow that wave of guilt to wash over me for daring to sit still and simply be.

Too often, we set impossible standards (or allow society to set them for us) that can only ever result in failure. Aren’t you sick of it? Of lugging around this unidentifiable guilt that gnaws at you for even thinking of desiring something we’ve been conditioned to believe is “bad”, be that a delicious pastry, time alone, a long luxurious bath?

This may sound a cliche, but I believe the answer can be found in embracing the thing we are most scared of – the “bad” foods, the night off, the pyjama day. Time to step off the hamster wheel of negativity because, in embracing it, in bringing shame out into the light, we are taking control over it. Demystifying it, normalising it, and, finally, allowing ourselves to enjoy it. Setting one small ritual a week – in my case, a coffee and biscuit, alone with my book – holds the potential for rippling change as it returns enjoyment to us, and brings stability and tranquillity back into too-busy lives.

Indulgence is too frequently equated with negativity and deprivation with achievement. The result is an internalised narrative in which a biscuit is “bad”, and its consumption is akin to the one-night-stand you swore wouldn’t happen again: a brief moment of masochistic pleasure followed by shame, regret, self-loathing, and invariably, indigestion. What a waste of chocolately heaven! My solution? Taking ownership of that shame and turning it into something joyful, anointing it with status, time, and love. Twisting this act of private failure – failing at being a perfect wife, mother, friend, failing at resisting temptation – into a positive occasion,  et voila, ‘Feel Good Friday’ was born!

The premise is simple: self-love instead of self-sabotage. I decided if I was going to feel guilty about eating something I considered “bad”, I wouldn’t eat it. Not because it really was bad – either for the environment or for me – but because this negative attitude was inhibiting the enjoyment it should excite, which made the eating pointless. If I could promise myself that I could have something without then self-flagellating over my supposed “indulgence”, then it was mine to savour.

The result was surprising and far-reaching. In the manoeuvrings of my everyday routines, choice and the power of ‘no’ – or ‘yes’ – were bestowed once more upon me as I realised, and forgive me if this is something I should already know, that I could choose either option without an agonising crisis of identity. I didn’t have to seethe with resentment as I ploughed through packed lunches and chowed down on lentils as I hankered for pizza, I didn’t need to spend the entire day  riddled with self-loathing over the gym class I skipped; I could delight in a ‘night off’ without the incumbent guilt.

I was anchored by the ritual and the promise of mouth-watering delight. My mindful treat returned awareness to not only the decisions I made on a daily basis but rather how I felt about those decisions. It was no longer about restriction but about ownership and, in being fully cognisant of how I was treating my body and why, guilt dissipated, and happiness began.

However, the pastry itself (delectable and delicious as it is) is only half responsible for this transformation. Turns out, it’s the holistic experience of the ritual I’ve found myself craving week on week. In life’s hectic chaos, enjoying the basic machinations of routine is fast slipping away from us – a mindful pastry affords me a return to the simple pleasure of time.

Time to sit, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, and take in the world unfolding around me. Time to shake out life like a clean linen sheet, wringing it of usual worries and ironing it smooth into an altar of experience. Time, in the frenetic rush of breakfasts gulped over a keyboard and unread emails, dinners hashed together in one-pot frenzy, to be fully present in the act of nourishing my body. It is a gift both liberating and anchoring, sustaining me through difficult weeks and freeing me from that which no longer serves. How often do we dedicate ourselves and allocate our time completely to joy, untethered from preoccupations, guilt, panic? Without checking our phones, without wondering if everyone else in the café thinks we’re sad, without the urge to freefall into frantic to-do lists or look busy?

It is a rarity becoming an oddity and yet it is vital. The art of enjoyment – pure and unadulterated and without inhibition or self-consciousness – is being diluted, forgotten but it is there to be reclaimed in the bubbled layers of pastry.

Let’s celebrate our efforts not with self-sabotaging recklessness but with mindful self-love. Embrace indulgence, whatever shape that takes, and carve it with care and love into your week. Anticipate it. Look forward to it. Treasure it with rolling eyes, inappropriate groans, and hand-wringing reverence. It might just change your life.

 

Here comes the sun!

Light. Fire. Heat. Intensity. It’s summertime! Do you worship long days of bright sunlight? Do you welcome a renewed feeling of energy after the gloom of winter? Maybe you just can’t get enough of the hot summer temperatures. Or, do you dread the heat and go out of your way to avoid the summer sun, hugging the shadows and dodging the sunshine like a vampire?!

Summer, like each of the seasons, arrives with its own distinct personality. Depending on your constitution, summer may increase your internal sense of harmony, or it may aggravate one of your innate tendencies. For example, a hot-natured individual who prefers a cool climate may love the winter, but will feel hotter than most—to the point of discomfort—as the heat of summer intensifies. On the other hand, someone with chronically cold hands and feet (yup, know that feeling!), who never seems to be able to stay warm in the winter months, will experience exactly the opposite: long, cold winters will be a challenge and they will relish the heat of summer.

Ayurveda; the science of life

One of the fundamental principles of Ayurveda, which roughly translates as ‘the science of life’,  is that our habits, routines, and dietary choices should ebb and flow with the seasons. We can support an improved state of balance throughout the year by making a conscious effort to live in harmony with the cycles of nature and by regularly adjusting our lifestyle and habits to accommodate the arrival of each new season.

Opposites attract

In Ayurveda, it is said that like increases like and that opposites balance; this helps to explain why summertime stirs something different in each of us.

The most striking characteristics of summer—the heat, the long days of bright sun, the sharp intensity, and the transformative nature of the season—are directly in line with pitta or ‘fire’ energy. But, summer is also a time of expansion and mobility—traits more characteristic of vata or ‘water’.

Negotiating a Blissful Summer: General Recommendations for the Pitta Season

Your primary focus through the summer months will be to keep pitta balanced by staying cool, mellowing intensity with relaxation, and grounding your energy.

But summer has some distinctly vata characteristics as well, so you’ll also want to stay hydrated, foster stability, and balance vata’s natural expansiveness and mobility with quiet, restful activities.

In yoga, opt for grounding, restful classes to counteract the firey energy which can overwhelm (and overheat!) some of us. Whatever you choose, make the most of the summer season. Blink and we’re back in winter woollies!!