Bouncing Back

Let’s face it, sometimes life is just hard. Plain and simple. There is frustration, anger, sadness, loss, tragedy, grief. At times like this, when all we can see is darkness, putting one foot in front of the other is as much as you can do.

Helen Keller said, “The marvellous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.” But it can be difficult to feel and imagine the light when we are in those dark valleys.

Resilience is our ability to bounce back, to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and go again. Think about a boat in a river. The rocks on the riverbed are always there but when the water level is low the boat is more likely to crash into them and sink, whereas when the water is high the boat bobs up and down, unaffected by those same rocks. When our resilience is low our ability to deal with the problems in our lives is lower.

Building up our resilience allows us to cope better with the problems that life throws at us. The greater our resilience, the greater our ability to move away fromautonomic, reflexive reaction; the reptilian brain fight-flight-freeze response. We can instead deal with things rationally, calmly, to respond rather than react to issues, to think creatively and problem solve. We can move from SURVIVE mode to THRIVE mode.

I’m not suggesting that if you lose your job, get seriously ill, suffer a bereavement or survive a pandemic that you should simply think yourself happy, but your ability to take a breath, deal with difficulty and come out the other side stronger, better, more, will be enhanced if you have developed these practises during the ‘good times’.

Across a plethora of studies on the topic, regardless of the type of trauma suffered, cultural background, ethnicity, age, gender there are broadly seven core things that have been identified as key to building resilience:

  1. Having a strong connection to others – The support of close friends and family is the most important component of resilience
  2. Having connections to animals – cuddling and playing with pets is known to be therapeutic (care dogs, equine therapy)
  3. Having a connection to nature – walking in nature, lying on the grass looking up at the clouds, listening to the ocean, swimming in a cold lake feeling the icy water invigorate your body, bringing you into your body, connecting you back to your body
  4. Having a connection to beauty/art – getting out of yourself and your own head, appreciating great works of art, your child’s painting, a sunset, connecting to our heritage and our history through galleries, blogs, radio, singing, dancing
  5. Having a connection to a higher being / purpose – a god, synchronicity, destiny, the stars
  6. Having a strong sense of self-worth – being kind and gentle to yourself, belief in your abilities, self-care, and self-love
  7. Finding greater meaning in things – seeking to understand a deeper meaning

To build our resilience we should recognise, acknowledge and practise our own STRENGTHS, such as; courage in the face of adversity, sense of humour, patience, kindness, good judgement, optimism, gratitude, long term focus, generosity etc.

We need to develop useful INSIGHTS to draw on, ideas and perspectives and sayings that we find useful such as; developing a growth mindset, learning from the past, practising gratitude, seeing this as temporary, understanding the personal growth we will gain from the experience, practising radical acceptance, practicing kindness and showing empathy and understanding to ourselves and others around us, thinking of the bigger picture, ‘and this too shall pass’.

Consider and use all the RESOURCES we have for guidance, support, nourishment, and inspiration, such as beautiful parks, walkways, river, seaside views, galleries, museums, family, friends, pets, places we feel safe, people we trust, helpful websites, books, blogs, podcasts etc.

And we must implement STRATEGIES, things we can do, actions we can take such as taking care of our own wellbeing with exercise, food and self-talk, going for walks, runs, practising yoga, meditation, taking up a new or re-visiting an old hobby, caring for others, writing in a journal, practising mindfulness, taking up a new sport.

As we head into the winter, feeling like we never really had a summer, like we lost a year. Perhaps we should focus more on what we HAVE rather than what we have NOT, a shift of focus.

Ask yourself these questions:

What have I found stressful in the past and how has that affected me, my mood, my behaviour with others? What helped me then? Who helped me then? How did I grow from that experience? How am I different today than I was last year? How have I grown as a person?

What have I learnt about myself from past difficult times? What do I do to support myself? What do I need to do more of? Less of? Start doing? Stop doing? How can I help myself? How can I help others?

What would make me feel more hopeful for the future? What I am going to do today to make that happen?

Who do I choose to be today, now, in this moment?

“At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” Frida Kahlo

Needs must

In her book, Better Than Before, Gretchen Rubin writes: “Any beginning is a time of special power for habit creation, and at certain times we experience a clean slate, in which circumstances change in a way that makes a fresh start possible…” For me, September has this special power.

According to the calendar, September is just another month in the year. But according to our emotions, this time of year often feels particularly weighty.

With summer at an end, many people experience a pang of nostalgia for the good weather as the days grow shorter and there’s a distinct nip in early morning air. For parents and students, the back to school period is often a potent cocktail of relief, excitement, and anxiety.

The idea of setting intentions or a ‘resolution’ may only seem necessary when you’re counting down the seconds at a New Year’s Eve party, or overcoming a transformational life event. Resolutions might seem like the sort of thing we reserve for special occasions, when we really want to make a change. The thing is, every day is ripe for resolution-making, whether it’s a rainy Thursday afternoon or a bright and optimistic Monday morning. Every moment offers the opportunity to set an intention, a sankalpa and a resolution.

The word resolution itself has two meanings; the original word comes from the Latin solvere, meaning ‘to loosen or release’, and also breaking into parts’, while the relatively modern version is derived from the word ‘resolute’, referring to a sense of being determined and firm. Usually, when we set a resolution, our attitude is determined and firm, an attempt to control our mind or body. Your resolution might be to give up sugar, start jogging, to practice yoga every day, or to be more organised. When we set resolutions like this however, we can sometimes miss the entire point of making the resolution itself, which deep down is probably along the lines of being happy and enjoying life more. If the reason behind setting resolutions is about being happy or enjoying life a little more, I invite you to think of a resolution that is more about cultivating solvere – loosening, releasing and breaking into parts – than it is about controlling. What do you feel you try to control and grip a little too much? What would you benefit from loosening or releasing a little more? So much of our lives is already about improving, developing and hiding any imperfections, that loosening and releasing from time to time could be the very medicine we need and the missing link to feeling better.

Dr. Claudia Welch, who specialises in Ayurveda and Chinese Medicine, and who authored the book Balance Your Hormones, Balance Your Life, champions the notion of giving ourselves more rest, and letting go of the need to achieve and ‘do’ all the time. “If we’ve done some work on ourselves, we respect the natural urge of hunger, we respect thirst, but we tend not to respect tired”. Indeed, in a bid to be our ‘best’ selves, very often resolutions are about ‘doing’, ‘improving’, and exhausting ourselves, more than they’re about honouring and nourishing ourselves. So perhaps pause for a moment and listen – really listen; if you were to loosen and release, and if you were to allow parts of your identity and current habits to ‘break into parts’, what might that look like? What one thing in your life would you benefit from loosening the grip on or letting go of? Chances are it’s the first thing that comes into your mind… To practice setting a resolution this month, set some time aside some time in silence whether sitting or walking, and simply listen when you ask the question; “What do I need?

Get ready for sortumn

No, that’s not a typo. It’s a word I found recently that’s quite perfect to describe this time of year: sortumn. Not summer anymore, but not quite autumn either, this just might be my favourite season – a beautiful in-between time made up of equal parts golden sunshine and misty mornings.

It’s particularly lovely where I live, in my semi rural idyll of Romsey. The evenings are still long enough to walk the canal path before dinner, while the slanted sunshine gilds leaves that are just beginning to turn colour. My favourite walk takes us under an ancient apple tree, and at the moment the windfalls are filling the air with a wonderful cidery smell that evokes thoughts of the months yet to come – full of crisp air and cosy jumpers and soup for dinner, with a warm apple crumble afterward if we’re lucky.

As we make our way between the hedgerows, hubby and I, a few early leaves crunch underfoot; the pheasants, stealing a few more days of leisure before the hunters arrive, cluck and chuckle in the fields which border the canal. It’s warm enough to wear short sleeves, but not hot enough to be uncomfortable – the perfect sort of evening to bring along a blanket and a beloved and a bottle of wine to share beside the river, while the mayflies dance and the swallows perform an aerial ballet overhead.

A neighbour asked me the other day why this season is my favourite, as opposed to spring. True, the delights of a full-on English spring are not to be sniffed at – this country knows how to burst into bloom with a vengeance – but there’s something a bit melancholy and bittersweet about these brief few golden weeks that I love beyond reason. The mellow sunshine is fleeting, and the long nights will soon draw in. (These have their good side, too, but they do take some getting used to.) This small season – this sortumn – is a transition, a moment trapped between one thing and another, and as such it can’t ever be truly savoured before it’s gone. Maybe that’s why it feels so precious.

The Black Dot

I would like to share a simple story:

One day a psychology professor gave his students a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin. The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he had handed them all out, he told them to turn over the papers. To everyone’s surprise there were no questions – just a black dot in the centre of the sheet of paper. The professor gave them the simple instruction: “I want you to write about what you see.”

At the end of the class, the professor collected all the papers and read each one of them out loud, in front of all the students. All of them, without exception, defined the black dot, describing its size, its colour, its position in the centre of the sheet. After he had read out all the answers he put the papers down on his desk and looked out at the room of silent students and said, “I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. Not one of you wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot. We do the same thing in our daily lives. We have a beautiful, full piece of white crisp paper to observe and enjoy, but we focus on the dark spot. Our life is a gift, for each and every one of us. There will always be darkness, but there will also always be reasons to celebrate, to be grateful; our families, our health, the blue sky, the rain making the grass green, nature renewing itself daily, friends around us. However, we insist on focusing only on the dark spot – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationships with others, or the disappointment with a friend. The dark spots are exceedingly small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take your eyes away from the black dots in your life. Enjoy each one of your blessings and each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a full life.”

This week I challenge you, in these unprecedented times – a global pandemic, a deluge of political unrest and economic challenge – I challenge you every day this week to take out that piece of paper, place all the darkness into the one spot in the middle of the page and then fill the rest of the page with all the bright colour in your life. Fill the page with all the things you are grateful for, everything you have been lucky enough to have in your life. Use colour, images, words. Make a mess because life is a glorious mess. Illuminate the page with the sparkle and lustre of your life. Remind yourself. This is who you are. This is your life. Make it big, shiny and bright.

It’s okay to say no (and how to do it!)

I am a reformed ‘yes’ girl. I used to fling my ‘yes’s’ around like there was some kind of magical endless supply. I was careless with my ‘yes’s’, I didn’t treasure them like I should have.⠀

And then, after many years of getting stressed and overworked, I finally got it. ⠀

My ‘yes’s’ are sacred. They are a valuable treasure to be protected at all costs. When I say yes to one thing – I’m saying no to another thing. It’s logical. I can’t do all the things.

So I became a ‘no’ girl. Almost overnight.

But of course staying a ‘no’ girl is a different story. It’s far too easy to slip back into old habits. Especially when we are struggling a bit in the self-worth department.

“Yes, I can absolutely look after your kids – send them over!” When all I really want is to know that my friendship is valued.

“Yep, I can fit in that extra job this week” Because if I don’t I’ll look useless and like I can’t handle the workload.


If you feel like you say YES far to often and wind up overcommitted and overwhelmed, stick with me. Let’s figure out what to say no to, and how to say it!

It’s okay to say no

It took me a long time to understand that it was actually okay to say no. My brain seemed pre-programmed to yes. And it was stuck on it, like a broken record.

I also presumed that people expected me to say yes. I couldn’t imagine that they would be okay with me saying no.

Once I gave myself permission to try it out – saying no – I discovered it wasn’t as scary as I thought. I also found that people were generally okay with me saying no. Despite what my ego told me I wasn’t always the only person for the job! My saying no didn’t affect them as much as it did me.

How to work out what to say no to

So now that I knew it was okay to say no, I needed to figure out when I could say it. As tempting as it was, surely I couldn’t say no all the time. What were the right things to say no to? Should it be based purely on my availability? Or could I choose to say no to things simply because I didn’t want to do them (surely not!)??

Of course, I had moral and ethical boundaries that made some decisions easy but what about everything else?

When I’m asked to commit to something new, whether it be an ongoing project or a coffee date I like to consider two main things;

Does it fit with my ‘why’ – my core values and purpose

I don’t commit to random things anymore. I’m purposeful with whatever projects I take on. I like to run it by my basic core pillars. Does it feed my innate need to create something? Does it mean I get to connect deeply with someone? Is it serving an area of my life that I’m developing?

Do I have time?

There are many things that I would love to do. But I can only do a few of them. My time is limited. Like so many of us, I wear many hats and shape shift my way through my week. f

This revelation has not come easy though. I used to try and squeeze all the things into my calendar (like the time I trained to teach yoga, travelling up and down to London every other weekend whilst juggling a full time job in a stressful environment). There was no white space. No extra time in case of emergencies. Fuelled by a desire to please others and my ego, I would stack training sessions, coffee dates and meetings on top of each other until it all came tumbling down.

One helpful tool I try and use when considering something new is to overestimate the time it would take. This gives me space to breathe in between commitments rather than letting them stack up on top of each other.

Just Say No to (Most of) the Current ICOs | by Ty Danco | Medium

Ways to say no (and still keep your friends)

So now you know (hopefully) that it’s okay to say no. And maybe you’ve got a better idea of what you might say no to by checking if it aligns with your ‘why’ and your calendar.

But you might still find yourself saying yes. In the moment, caught off guard, you know you shouldn’t commit, but you do it anyway. Because you can’t figure out how to say no.

Use the power of the pause

A helpful tool when learning how to say no is to use the power of the pause. Pause after you are asked to do something. You don’t need to respond immediately. Take three deep breaths and let them know that you’ll get back to them.

You don’t have to decide right then and there. Most people will respect that and offer you time before you ask for it.

Soften the blow

I don’t buy into the idea that ‘No’ is a complete sentence. I understand the concept behind it. We don’t have to explain ourselves to other people. Our reasons for saying are our own. But how many times have you actually said ‘No’. and stopped at that?

It’s pretty difficult. We naturally want to apologize. ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t do that’. There’s nothing wrong with this!!! Being genuinely sorry that we can’t help out helps soften the blow. And also, it’s just a kinder way of saying it.

Try these alternative one-liners

Here are some other one-liners that you can use if, like me, you aren’t comfortable with a harsh ‘No’;

“No thanks, my schedule is full right now.”

“No thank you, I’m unable to help this time.”⠀

“I really appreciate you asking me, but I’ll have to decline”⠀

“No, I don’t want to engage with that right now.”⠀

“No thanks, I’m working on having less busy and more happy”

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are the boss. This is your show. Get in the director’s chair and orchestrate your masterpiece. You are worthy of doing what lights you up. You worthy of doing what you need to do to thrive. Yup, even if it’s getting into your pj’s at 5pm and eating toast for tea.

I’ll take my seat in the front row and cheer you on.

Summertime and the living is….simple!

It came as no surprise that a recent poll showed that a mere 12% of the population want life to return to pre-lockdown ‘normal’. After a life that’s been unavoidably pared back, how can we take the positives of operating in a more streamlined way and apply them when ‘normal life’ resumes?

‘Lockdown has been simplicity’s moment in the sun,’ says Julia Hobsbawm – entrepreneur, speaker and author of The Simplicity Principle. ‘It has connected us to the idea that, in the end, all we really want is to be safe, well, and to love and be loved. Now we know this, I don’t think our old lives will hold the same appeal.’

That said, lockdown life can be knotty in its own ways. We have become even more reliant on technology for social interaction, and, in many cases, our careers, home-schooling and hobbies have become tangled into one big messy ball. Plus, the world has possibly seemed more confusing and disorientating than ever before.

And you won’t be surprised to learn that humans are about as complex as it gets anyway. We have 86 billion neurons firing all the time in our brains, and our bodies are made up of nearly 40 trillion cells. We are capable of doing amazing things yet this is at complete odds with the simple needs we have, emotionally and physically.

‘Our working memory – the part of the brain that governs reason and behaviour, typically shows a limit of between 4 and 7 items at a time,’ explains Hobsbawm. This would be fine if we were all still hunting and gathering like we did thousands of years ago, but it’s not so useful now, when we’re overwhelmed by endless choices, multiple social media accounts and we’re constantly zig-zagging between tasks.

‘Neuroscience shows us that once things get too complicated, our brains effectively short-circuit and cut out,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘When we are overloaded, we make mistakes. We get stressed, anxious, depressed, angry and disappointed. We struggle.’

So is it ever possible to cut through the chaos and find simplicity? The short answer is, yes.

Hobsbawm embarked on her own quest for simplicity five years ago, when an exhausting decade filled with illness, grief, and the challenges of balancing a busy career with motherhood, left her feeling burned out and overwhelmed.

In response, she made a commitment to remove as much unnecessary complexity from her life as possible.

‘Life will always be complicated, and we can’t control everything,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘Plus, we are curious creatures – we like intrigue and variety. But that doesn’t mean that how we soothe ourselves and complete our tasks shouldn’t be streamlined and simple.’

‘I’ve learned that it’s about pattern, structure and rhythm, such as having regular sleep and setting boundaries,’ she says. ‘It’s about knowing when to stop and stand back.’

Here are my 10 top tips and helpful ways to find calm in the complexity, and clarity in the chaos…


‘Our brains can only handle a maximum of seven things at once, so – to stay within this – I have chosen six as my magic number,’ says Hobsbawm. You can use the number six as a guide in all aspects of life, for example, having no more than six people in a group chat, or on a video call. But it really helps when working through your to-do list. ‘Start each day with a list of just six major things, and perhaps six tiny tasks you need to do by the end of the day,’ she says. ‘It will immediately focus your mind on the most important things, rather than blurring the boundaries between essential and optional. It means that you can commit to what you’re doing and be confident of success. Another benefit is that when you focus on fewer things a day, you make sharper decisions more quickly.’


You can also streamline your life by dividing your day into time-zones. ‘I break up my day by using the “three Ps”: personal, process and people’, says Hobsbawm. ‘Personal can mean exercise or reading a book, process could be anything from tackling my inbox to financial management and people is all about connecting with others, whether friends or clients.’ When you’re in your ‘personal’ time-zone, switch your emails off. When you’re speaking to friends, give them your full attention. Divvying up your day will help you focus your mind on what really matters in the present moment.


We make tons of unconscious decisions every day – in fact, science has found we make a staggering 35,000 separate decisions, on everything from where we move our bodies, to what to eat, to whether to click on your Instagram app. You might not even notice it, but all of these tiny decisions can add up to make you feel overwhelmed. ‘The ability to decide both faster and more firmly is a sign of clarity,’ says Hobsbawm. We often think more choice is better, but in many instances, they can actually just crowd our brains and make decisions harder to make. In fact, a famous study in a California supermarket found that a table offering a limited range of six jams elicited a 30% purchase rate, compared to just 3% on the table offering a choice of 24. So, find ways to reduce unnecessary choice in everyday life. You could make like Barack Obama, who admitted that he limited his choices of suits and shirts. ‘I have too many other decisions to make,’ he said in a 2012 interview. You could do the same with your lunch options or hairstyles – whatever works for you.


‘Experiencing the world around you is a powerful tonic for clarity and inner peace,’ says Hobsbawm. There are countless studies showing the benefits of walking in nature for promoting relaxation, lowering heart rates and reducing stress. One study from the Netherlands even found that looking at a picture of nature is enough to calm the parasympathetic nervous system. ‘Nature teaches us a bit of humility,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘You can’t keep up superior airs and graces, job titles, or look-at-me Instagrams when you’re amongst all creatures great and small because, well, you realise how silly it all is. Simplicity hinges on balance, and nature is the great re-balancer.’


In order to gain clarity, it’s also important to be crystal-clear yourself. ‘There is nothing worse than muddle and confusion, which brings with it delay, miscommunication and distrust,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘When you’re clear about something, others get clarity. Being clear is an act of generosity.’ For example, if you want to ask your kids to do some chores around the house, give basic, broken-down instructions. This means they’re more likely to get it right, avoiding complication in future. This also means saying ‘no’ to something you don’t have the time, energy or mental-space to commit to. When you start setting clear boundaries, you’ll be less scattered, and you might even find this frees up more time to nourish your closest relationships.


The benefits of tidying up are well-noted – it’s true that physical clutter can actually clog up your mental space too. One American study found that people who described their homes as ‘cluttered’ and full of ‘unfinished projects’ were more likely to be depressed or tired. This doesn’t mean you need to embrace full-on minimalism – according to Hobsbawm, it really is as simple as having one place for everything, so you can always find it. ‘Not only can it be terrifying to find something in an emergency when you don’t know where to begin, but it symbolizes something deeper: if you can’t keep your house well, what else is too messy in your life?’ says Hobsbawm.


Many of us wear the fact we can multi-task as a badge of honour. But actually, research from Stanford University has shown that when we try to do more than one thing at once, it has an immediate and negative impact on our memory. Humans are monotaskers by nature – we work better when we focus on just one thing at a time. ‘Decide the one thing you want to do or achieve and stick to that until it’s done,’ suggests Hobsbawm. ‘This could be reading, writing a document or clearing your inbox. The latter of these, I find, is essential. I recommend never finishing the week with anything in your inbox. If it remains full, so does your brain.’


There will always be obligations we simply can’t drop, but many obligations are ones that we’ve actually created for ourselves. ‘Arianna Huffington puts it beautifully in her book, Thrive, when she talks about release from too many tasks,’ says Hosbawm. ‘She writes, “It was liberating to realise that I could ‘complete’ a project simply by dropping it – by eliminating it from my to-do list. Why carry around this unnecessary baggage?”’ Look at your own goals and think, what actually needs doing? What can you postpone for now?


We’re bombarded with news and information at all times – whether that’s on TV, through app notifications, or as we scroll through social media. Hobsbawm describes this as ‘infobesity’ – ‘just has our bodies can get clogged, and slowed down by too much complex food in too-high quantities, the same is true of knowledge,’ she says. ‘We need it, we should enjoy it. We just need to simplify how we absorb it.’ Hobsbawm recommends coming up with a “knowledge dashboard” to keep track of what you’re taking in. ‘Aim for no more than six sources a day,’ she suggests. ‘You should aim for both a mix of topics – for example, three that cover news and views, one that covers whatever your specialism is, and some general entertainment. And then a mix of mediums – whether that’s blogs, trusted news sites, TED talks or books. Curation cuts down and cuts through the fatty tissue of TMI: Too Much Information.’


Being able to relax and press pause is key to living a simple life, but we tend to overcomplicate the act of rest. ‘In order to practice meditation or mindfulness seriously, you have to do something – whether that’s setting aside time, sitting down or turning on an app,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘Ironically, you are turning your mind on in order to let it relax, and switch off.’ It can be simpler than that: ‘by weeding out all the limitless possibility and narrowing our focus, we can achieve a state of reset,’ says Hobsbawm. ‘When I listen to a piece of classical music or chop a single piece of garlic when I cook, I am simplifying my actions. In slowing my thought processes, I’m reaching that increasingly elusive state in our frantic world: relaxation.’

And that’s surely what we want more of in our post-lockdown world.

Patience in a post-lock down world

I read a wonderful article recently about post-lockdown behaviour. Have you found yourself tutting and flashing your eyes above the mask when someone inadvertently wanders within your 2 metre zone? Saying an audible sarcastic ‘Thank you’ when you have to walk in the road to pass someone? Guilty as charged I’m ashamed to say! However, words from those who have returned from a period in lockdown offer us some advice about navigating our way forward in this post-lockdown world.

Christiane Heinicke took part in a simulated Mars mission on Mauna Loa volcano. For a year, there were no phones, no cars, no money, nothing commerce related. She was there to focus on the science. ‘Everything was straightforward’ she said. ‘At the end, I have to take time to contemplate all the things I hadn’t needed to think about for a year.’

She went on to say that she gave herself time to prepare to re-enter the world which would be louder, brighter and stranger than she remembered. Having to turn her filters back on after they had been off for a year in isolation would take time.

‘Re-emerging into the world made me realise how many choices there are. You can say ‘Actually, you know what, I don’t need this technology. I don’t want an iPad.’

So what advice would Heinicke give us preparing to leave lockdown?

‘Coming out of isolation takes a physical and psychological toll. It’s normal to find that you are really tired, so give yourself time and space. The filters take time to return, so be patient with yourself and others. You may have forgotten what it’s like to have to deal with other people.’

‘Isolation is a beautiful opportunity but, it’s also a trauma, so take your time – give yourself a lot of patience and consideration.’


Travel light

As we approach summer, many of us would usually be preparing for holidays and perhaps weeks of travelling to exotic lands. Usually, however, isn’t what we’re dealing with currently because, as lockdown continues, most holiday plans have probably changed. If we’re not journeying outward though, we have a unique opportunity to explore what’s happening on the inside, and although it may not include a trip to the beach or cocktails by the pool, reconnecting to our inner world can often prove to be the biggest adventure yet. It’s time to learn to Travel Light, because without knowing it, many of us carry around years of unresolved stress and tension, memories and mysterious aches and pains without even realising it.

Body workers, therapists and osteopaths tend to agree that at least a percentage of chronic pain or general dis-ease can be traced back to a ‘stuck’ emotion or a reluctance to change. If pain and anxiety have become your normal, everyday base-line way of being, it’s likely that your mind almost feels ‘comfortable’ in this state. Familiar and comfortable in its own way; suffering can be predictable, we know where we are with it, and we don’t have to think too much…. The moment we try to make as positive change or start a habit with the intention to move away from pain and anxiety (like meditation or yoga), the subconscious mind gets scared; “But this isn’t how we work! This is different, this is unpredictable, this isn’t safe!”, which is partly why changing and letting go of what no longer serves us is challenging. Carrying the weight of worry or unresolved fear may have at first seemed unbearable, but the mind and body adapt, and now it goes unnoticed – it’s simply your ‘personality’.

There’s a reason we might carry around negative thinking or fear mindset, as Osho explained in one of his many lectures; “The way human beings are brought up plays a very definite role. If you are unhappy, you gain something from it… Whenever he is unhappy, everybody is sympathetic toward him. Everybody tries to be loving toward him. And even more than that, whenever he is unhappy, everybody is attentive toward him, he gains attention. Attention works like food for the ego… If everybody is looking at you, you become important. If nobody is looking at you, you feel as if you are not there, you are a non-being”. Indeed, whenever we embrace fear, pain or anxiety, we feed the ego and reinforce who we ‘think’ we are. When we stop holding on to the familiar patterns and the personality we’ve created however, the ego gets smaller, the load gets lighter, and we begin to see who we truly are – pure consciousness, ego-less.

5 Steps To Travelling Light

So, how do we start letting go of the heavy emotions and physical tension that no longer serves us? How do we travel light? We have to allow the ‘stuck’ emotions or pain to move, firstly by using the breath. Massage therapist and author of Issues In Your Tissues Denise La Barre says; “Breathing fully, the way se were born to do, circulates energy through the body, revitalising and nourishing all systems. As we deepen the breath, the muscles relax, thinking slows and we feel more spacious in our bodies. We invite creativity to flow through. The mind loses its stranglehold on our attention and allows us to feel our emotions”. If you’re ready to lighten the load, start this 5-step practice this month:

  1. Observe: When we’re entangled within emotional or physical discomfort, it can be difficult to actually see what’s happening; how we’re thinking, acting and making decisions. Being able to observe ourselves allows us to step back from the situation and bring unconscious habits into conscious awareness, where the real work and change can take place. Begin the practice of mindfulness by watching your actions and thoughts throughout the day. There’s no need to actively change anything to begin with, simply observe your habits and any self-talk. If you’d like a more formal way to practice this, sit in a comfortable position and watch your thoughts without attachment or judgement for 10 minutes.
  2. Accept: The next stage of releasing what we no longer need is to accept what we find. So often an illness or injury persists for longer than necessary because we simply don’t accept the reality of the situation, or the feeling of stress circulates around the body for an extended period of time because we haven’t let go of it yet. When we accept what is, we allow the pain or emotion to start moving, and we dislodge it from where it’s been stuck in limbo for days, months or years. Emotions are energy-in-motion, and they need to move in order to heal.
  3. Breathe & Feel: When we hold the breath, we essentially hold-in emotions or sensations we’re unwilling to feel. Breathing fully and deeply allows emotions to flow, and when they flow, we feel. This step is difficult because sometimes the ego doesn’t want to feel. If this is challenging for you, begin a simple pranayama practice of Adham Pranayama, the ‘abdominal breath’. Inhale deeply to expand the lower ribcage, your stomach and your back three-dimensionally. Exhale to allow all the muscles to relax. Do this for a few minutes per day, especially when you observe a fearful thought or physical discomfort. Watch the emotions start to move, and if it becomes too much to handle, only commit to the breathing practice for a few minutes at a time, therefore gently encouraging the emotions to flow, rather than opening the metaphorical floodgates.
  4. Move: Remember, emotions are energy-in-motion, and they need to be moved! Animals naturally experience ‘neurogenic tremors’ (a.k.a shaking) after a stressful event, allowing them to return to a state of homeostasis, thus letting go of the stress. In a bid to be ‘civilised’ however, humans have gradually repressed and forgotten the ability we all have to shake, which is essentially our in-built de-stressor. To lighten the load, move in any way that feels good to you – run, walk, practice yoga, dance, and shake your body!
  5. Release: Once the emotion or physical discomfort has been ‘un-stuck’ and allowed to move, it’s time to let it go. This can happen in a number of ways; through a long exhale; with the help of a massage therapist; and through vocally expressing your intention to release what no longer serves you. Once you’ve practiced the previous steps, express the following: “I let go of what I do not need, I release this [memory / pain / emotion] and choose to be free. I travel light”.

Hope is the thing with feathers.

‘Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.’ Desmond Tutu 

I think it’s important, first of all, to acknowledge the pain and dismay and distress and despair that just following the news — that being present to what’s happening in the world right now — causes. And I don’t think this is all that imaginative, but for me, one way I stay grounded is by limiting my exposure to what I’m taking in. And that’s not choosing to be uninformed, but I don’t actually think we are equipped, neither physiologically nor mentally, to be delivered catastrophic and confusing news and pictures, 24/7. We are analog creatures in a digital world. So I don’t follow what happened in the last 20 minutes, all day long, and I think that’s actually, right now, an essential discipline.

The other way I’m staying grounded is that however seriously we must take what’s happening in the world and what the headlines are reflecting, it is never the full story of our time. It’s not the last word on what we’re capable of. It’s not the whole story of us. Whilst it may appear that the news seems focused on what is catastrophic, corrupt, and failing, let’s not forget that, at the same time, there are good people. There are healing initiatives. There is a narrative of healing and of hope and of goodness, and we also just, as a discipline, have to take that in, as well — not instead of, but the both; hope for humanity and of our world.

And I feel it’s only in doing that that we keep flexing and strengthening our hope muscle. Hope is a muscle. It’s a choice. It is a vigorous choice, to see what is wrong and what needs healing and needs repair and needs our attention and also to keep our hearts and our imaginations and our energy oriented towards what we want to build, what we want to create, what we’re walking towards.

However justifiably granular our despair and confusion might be on any given day, it is so, so critical that we keep orienting ourselves towards the long view, towards the fact that what we are in the midst of is a societal shift. It is going to play itself out in generational time. And so, we have to, at the same time that we act and speak and think critically about what’s happening in the moment, we have to embody and walk with and towards how we want to live in contrast to that, how we want to live beyond this. We cannot call forth in the world something that we don’t embody.

One of the paradoxical and amazing things about our species is how people are able to get through the worst, also, with their joy muscle intact. If we want to call the world not just to justice but to joy and to flourishing, of which joy is a part, we have to find those ways and those places where that is also what we are finding and stirring and keeping alive in others.

So, whilst I hope that my zooming days are finite, for the time being, I’m finding joy in working with my online community until such time as we can meet on the mat.

Strange new world

If someone had told us at the start of the year that, only a few months later, we’d be shut in at home, fearful of an invisible enemy, we would have laughed…or cried! An early April Fool’s day joke perhaps or the words of an apocalyptic doom mongerer. But, we are all getting used to our strange new reality.

I’m getting used to ‘seeing’ my regular yogis via zoom and learning to navigate family life around on line teaching (my mother phoning to order her veg box in the middle of a live stream was a real live moment!)

I feel my emotions are much closer to the surface and I’m likely to weep or laugh at any given moment. In such turbulent times, we need as many tools in our tool kit to help us get through this and, I thought I’d round up a few of my favourites. Perhaps one or two may just prove to be of use.

A number of us may feel that these times are actually incredibly frantic, with new and insistent demands being made on you all the time, so how do you pause with all that is going on?

Start Small.
Be gentle. You can start small. A pause of even a moment or two, or a breath or two creates an opening and a deepening. It leavens and lightens your time. It can also have a lasting effect. I began meditation with a minute a day, over twenty years ago. Now, it is part of my life.

Get Physical.
Your body is your friend, so use it to create a pause. Take a few breaths, dwelling on the pause between breathing in and out. Or, sit still and feel your feet on the ground and the position and posture of your body. Get curious about where you hold tension, seek it out, and then let it go – relax your jaw, drop your shoulders, whatever it is. You can do that in just a few seconds – in the middle of something else.

Body scan.
On waking, or before you fall asleep, take a few moments to scan your body from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. Make that first (or last) moment into one of noticing the body that is you.

Thresholds As Triggers.
Use thresholds and transitions as triggers. So pause for a moment (and count to 1!) before you enter a room or the house. Or when you leave, or when you turn the car keys in the ignition or see the ‘Join Meeting’ screen on Zoom…. Use those triggers to take a breath or two, or feel your body on the chair, or to simply be with yourself for a few seconds.

Your Song.
Choose a song that means something to you. One you love. And listen to it. From beginning to end. Use headphones. Ignore any potential interruptions. Let yourself be in the music, let it wash over you and soak into you. Do this as a routine, or whenever you feel like it.

Listening Out.
The quiet that surrounds us in lockdown makes this a beautiful one to try now. Open up your ears to hear everything you can, first what’s around you –the tapping of the keyboard, the washing machine, then go further out…. can you hear voices from the next room, birdsong outside, footsteps in the street, a single car passing by…. see how far you can go. Sink into listening. You could easily make this into a game with small kids if you like, giving you a moment of pause even whilst you are with them.

Cup Of Coffee (tea).
Pay proper attention to a cup of coffee (or tea). Feel the heat of the cup in your hand, the smell before you sip, the taste, the aftertaste. Sit with it. Don’t do anything else. If people ask you for something, tell them you will give them your attention when the coffee is finished.

Stop Trying To Do Everything Perfectly.
You can’t do everything perfectly. If only because that will make you stressed, which isn’t perfect. So let that go. Really. Once and for all. Nobody’s perfect. Don’t ask yourself to do something which is impossible.

Stop Trying To Do Everything Full Stop.
So you are homeschooling, learning how to work from home, doing all the domestics and trying to stay sane. That’s enough. More than enough in fact. Let go of any daft ideas you have that you should also be using this time to write a novel, learn to code, or clear out the basement.

Let Something Slide.
Go further and choose to let one thing slide. On purpose. Make toast instead of a meal. Dress sloppy. Fail to deliver on a work thing that doesn’t matter any more. Don’t feel you have to talk to your friends every day. Skip the bedtime story. Choose a different thing each day and take that time back for yourself. That will probably feel taboo, but it’s ok. Really, it is.

Brush Like A Zen Master.
You brush your teeth several times a day. Take that time as a conscious pause and allow yourself to just brush your teeth. Don’t use it to think about other things or make plans, or process worries. Just. Brush.

Action, not activity.
Improvisers distinguish between activity – which is stuff happening and action – which are the few things that make a difference. Look at your day and work out which are which. Focus on actions, let activity go. There’s more on this in the book (‘DO Pause’).

Today List.
The night before, or at the beginning of the day, make a realistic list of things to do for the day. Not pie in the sky, but what would be a good day’s effort. Once you have written it you are not allowed to add to this list. And when it’s done, you are done. It is then time for you.

Give Yourself Permission.
This is the big one. Do you give yourself permission to pause? And if not, why not? That is a big question, but if you can create small pauses, you might be able to start to get some perspective on that and grow the sense of space and the feeling of agency you have over your own life.

If it helps, I can give you permission…. Print this off and stick it somewhere visible.

permission to pause2.jpg